Our au pair nightmare – and how you can avoid one yourselves.

Myself, my son and our au pair "Mary".  We took Mary to Sydney with us and visiting the Chinese Garden of Friendship.  I didn't know that about a month later Mary would hide a 29 year old man into our home.

Myself, my son and our au pair “Mary”. We took Mary to Sydney with us and visited the Chinese Garden of Friendship. I didn’t know that about a month later Mary would hide a 29 year old man into our home.

Being a parent is beyond tough. Add a few degrees of parenting difficulty and knowing exactly how to keep all the balls in the air is tricky. What do I mean by degrees of difficulty? Well for a start living away from social supports like family, having a fly-in-fly out partner, or being a single parent. My own situation a few years back saw us planning a third pregnancy while living three thousand kilometers away from our social supports. In addition, we knew from two previous pregnancies that I do pregnancy very badly. By badly I mean that I vomit daily for eight months, have disabling low blood pressure and end up in a wheelchair. We knew that the only way to cope with another pregnancy (and we desperately wanted another child) was to get some extra help. We chose to invite an au pair into our home.

An au-pair is a young man or woman from another country who enters a cultural home-stay arrangement with a family in a foreign country. In exchange for room, board and an allowance (typically $150-250) dollars a week they provide help with household duties. These duties may include gardening, light housework and caring for children. Central to the arrangement is one of trust. They are to be treated as one of the family (you are called the host-parent) with similar responsibilities as if they were an older sibling.

We arranged our au pair through one of Australia’s most respectable agencies. Looking at all the applications, and interviewing prospective au pairs the applicants seemed much the same. They all “love children” and can’t wait to start their new life in Australia with an Australian family.

We chose 18 year old Mary*, from Germany because her application listed qualifications that we valued (she said she had worked for two years as a swimming teacher teaching young children) and because she was able to come the soonest.

At that stage we had two boys aged 3 and 5. They aren’t easy kids and I truthfully described them as “wild boys” to Mary before she accepted the position. I also truthfully told her the reason we needed an au pair – that I was planning a pregnancy and that once pregnant I would become dreadfully unwell.

I was uneasy from the beginning. Mary showed almost no interest in the children and seemed resentful of performing the most basic tasks. We had arranged for her to help us around 20 hours a week and it soon became clear she wasn’t willing to do this – her hours were reduced to around 12. Mary had an impressive set up at our home. Our modern Queenslander had two stories and Mary had the entire bottom floor, a living area, bedroom and bathroom to herself. Access was via an external door and external stairs connected our upstairs living area to hers.   We lived in Cairns, a tropical paradise on the door-step of the Great Barrier Reef and, prior to me becoming pregnant took Mary with us on trips to Sydney and Magnetic Island. On both trips she was resentful of helping with the children at all.

We had given Mary use of a car and it became apparent that she was a party girl – she would leave the house on Friday evening, we wouldn’t hear from her for the entire weekend and she would then arrive home, wearing the same clothes she had left the house in, five minutes before she was due to start her duties to allow me to go to work. I never knew if she would be home in time to start her duties or not, or whether she would be hung-over.

I was convinced that Mary was the wrong person for our family and was agonizing over whether to ask her to leave or not. The difficulty was that I took seriously my role as a host parent.  I was reticent to kick a young girl out onto the streets, particularly as she had travelled to the other side of the world to live with us. At this stage Mary became unwell with a bacterial infection and we nursed her through a three-week illness that made asking her to move on impossible.   In the meantime there had been numerous talks with Mary and the agency where she promised to improve her behavior.

By the time I became pregnant, sick, and in all honesty dependent on any minimal help we received from Mary she had started dating Stuart* Stuart was a Dutch backpacker, closer to my age than Mary’s who lived in his car. I never met Stuart as she never introduced him to me. She did however bring him into our home when I wasn’t there– the kids told me Stuart helped look after them. When I told Mary that Stuart was never to be around our children she secretly took the children out to meet him. When we found out about this we gave Mary one more warning. One more strike and she would have to leave. By this stage I was a vomiting, fainting mess of a woman. I was having difficulty walking, let alone caring for my kids.

In the end Mary made it easy for us to tell her to move on. She secretly moved Stuart into our home, we think, according to neighbors for two weeks. Mary had begun to tell me I had forgotten to buy various groceries. I hadn’t, she had instead been stockpiling groceries downstairs for Stuart and had me buy duplicates for the family. I found out from others that Stuart had been living downstairs secretly as I was incapacitated upstairs. When we found out I confronted her. She originally denied the allegations but when I told her the neighbors had let us know what was going in she admitted it. She left and we haven’t seen her since. As for the agency they told me they had never had a “girl behave this way” and arranged a replacement au pair for us. A year later when I was being hounded by debt collectors because of a car accident Mary had in our vehicle the agency was less helpful. Mary had left our home without filling in an accident form meaning we couldn’t claim insurance. The other driver’s insurance only wanted a letter from the au pair agency stating the Mary’s behavior had been in breach of behavior acceptable for an au pair. The agency refused saying it was my word against hers (although she had admitted what she had done to me, she denied it to them).

I realize that some people reading this will be labeling me a sucker – all the signs were there that Mary was not a good match for our family. In being slow to move her on though never did I think the end result would be a strange man living secretly in our home for two weeks while I vomited away on the floor above.
As a parent I am ashamed that I didn’t listen to my instincts to move Mary on, as her judgment, and honesty was so lacking that she may have put my kids at risk. It is one of the things I am most guilty about as a parent and I am eternally grateful that there is no evidence that any harm came to the kids while they were in Mary’s care.

After this au pair nightmare we did have two other young women stay with us, and to their credit they showed our family exactly how an au pair arrangement is meant to work. They were lovely, loving, honest young women that I wish could have stayed longer. My experience with Mary meant though that we didn’t continue to host au pairs longer after my pregnancy, and concurrent illness finished.  The positive experience with had with our subsequent au pairs (did I say they were lovely?) means that if, in the future our degree of parenting difficulty escalates again then we would welcome another au pair into our home, drawing from the lessons learnt in the past.

I have lots of friends, who have heard bits and pieces of this story ask me about au pairs, and whether I have suggestions for choosing one. My own au pair nightmare has influenced what I tell them:

 

– Remember that claim of Mary’s that she was a swimming teacher?   Seeing her with the children around water it quickly became apparent this was untrue.   We had paid an agency to engage an au pair for us. Agencies do the reference checks for you which theoretically is easier for host families. I would advise parents to find an au pair via an au pair website or classified site such as Gumtree and to take 100% responsibility for checking referees themselves.

-While it is important to welcome the au pair as a member of the family, they are not your son or daughter, they are a guest. If they don’t behave at least as well as you would expect a guest to behave (if not an employee) they should leave.

-Set strict rules from the outset. We created strict house rules for our subsequent au pairs – no men in the house at all (or around the kids), a car curfew over night and a curfew for themselves on nights before they had duties.

-As a rule try and host au pairs that have previously au paired with another family.  That way you can speak to the host parents on the phone and discover if there are any potential issues.

-A search of the internet shows that “party girl au pairs” are a thing. I’m not against people going out to clubs and socializing. I am against them coming home hungover to look after my kids.   When interviewing prospective au pairs a question about how they like to spend their weekends, even a direct approach about drinking and drug taking may help weed out the “party girls”.

-If you are fortunate enough to be blessed with a good au pair – treasure them!  Work with them to help them settle in, and to keep them happy.  A good au pair is a true blessing to your family.

-Trust your instincts, even if you can’t put your finger on the reason why you are uneasy. Ultimately you are trusting an au pair with your most precious treasures, your kids and a bad feeling is enough of a reason to ask them to leave.

 

I do realize that this is a departure from the regular theme of this blog, traveling with kids. Today though just seemed like the right time to share this story. I’d love to hear other people’s experiences, positive or negative of hosting an au pair.

*Names have been changed.

© Copyright 2015 Danielle, All rights Reserved. Written For: Bubs on the Move

21 thoughts on “Our au pair nightmare – and how you can avoid one yourselves.

  1. Oh my goodness. I’ve heard more than a few au pair horror stories in the past..but yours really takes the cake! I know from several friends’ experiences, that setting strict rules from the outset, and communicating expectations clearly and early are key to making it work. But that assumes you have a decent au pair in the first place!

    • Yes – I think I just assumed good will, which was clearly not the case. I probably should have done more research from the outset about how to set limits etc. I suspect though that this girl would have been a nightmare even if I had done that.

  2. What a mess! My family hired an au pair for a period (after I was away at college) to look after my younger siblings, and she was a complete nightmare as well. The stories I heard from my family included her breaking a nail while giving my sister (who I think was under a year old at the time) a bath and rushing out to fix her nail while leaving my sister unattended in the bath. A former neighbor ran into her later, and she now has hilariously humongous breast implants and may quite possibly be a porn star. Glad we dodged that bullet!

    • Hi Kirstie. Well, I think leaving a one year old alone in the bath trumps a secret intruder. How incredibly dangerous. I hope your parents ended up having some happier experiences with other au pairs after that.

  3. Oh no, what an awful experience for you and your family! I’d be hesitant to put trust into people especially around your kids. Good tips on finding the right au pair.

    • Hi Maria, It was a dreadful experience but thankfully having some positive experiences subsequently have meant we regained our confidence in having others care for our kids. I would always trust my first instincts from now though!

  4. Oh dear!! But a bad experience does make a riveting story for others. And there are so many lessons tone learned. We have had a few au pairs which all sorts of ups and downs. I was an au pair myself and not a very good one! I am sure you will help lots of other mums with this tale.

    • Hi Seana,
      I have no doubt that I would have made a dreadful au pair myself. I would have been completely clueless! I’ve enjoyed reading your own posts about au pairs in the past.

  5. What a dreadful experience for all of you. I just wanted to say that the au-pair experience can be great too. We had an au-pair, initially for a year but she stayed for five and now lives in the next village. We still see her regularly and she’s house-sitting for us this summer. I used an au-pair website to find her. I paid a nominal fee to register then contacted and checked candidates myself. At the start we had a written schedule of what to do when but we soon dropped that as unnecessary as she is so sensible and kind and practical.

    • Hi Gretta. I’m so glad your experience was such a positive one! Thankfully we also have had positive experiences – with two lovely young ladies that au paired for us after this negative experience. I guess the reason I shared this story was because it was such a learning curve for me as a parent.

  6. Bubs on the move has made the AAPFA aware of this post.
    Thank you.

    AAPFA is advocating quality au pair agreements. We provide general information and aim for self-regulation in the industry to keep it flexible and affordable.

    AAPFA lobbies for clear regulation and liaises with Fair Work, ATO and immigration.

    To avoid troubles like the above we encourage mentoring and mediation. A family will never be alone and mediators can provide written documentation to both au pairs and host families what has been agreed upon.

    Support the AAPFA with a membership. You can sign up through our website http://www.aapfa.com.au or via our Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/pages/AAPFA-Australian-Au-Pair-Families-Association/. You will find the sign up right beside the Like button.

    Please contact us for more information.

    AAPFA – Australian Au Pair Families Association

  7. That sounds terrible! I worked as an Au Pair a long time ago and I did not gel with my family. It was the fact they wanted me to work every day of the week and didn’t like my independence.

    • Hi Anne. We certainly heard lots of stories of Au Pairs being exploited by families. It is absolutely a relationship dependant on goodwill from both parties!

  8. Thank you for sharing your story. We have had 5 au pairs in the past and all have been great girls from lovely families and can see how fortunate we have been.

    However recently we employed a Danish 21 year old. Who we thought was lovely, very respectful and could see she built up a great relationship with my son. The only concern that I had was she had not made a lot of friends (like the other au pairs).

    One evening when we were going out for dinner (which she advised she didn’t want to come as she was going out). She packed her bags and left the house. We had no idea however we received a note from her father the next morning about why she left. I then went into her room and their was a letter on the bed with the keys.

    We were completely shocked we thought she was lovely, we welcomed her into our home and was so surprised she would do that when she dosent know anybody. And would leave us in the lurch after making a commitment. We were also very worried about her.

    Her letter advised us that she wanted to study English full time but she didn’t know how to tell me as she didn’t want to let me down. And my child hours didn’t fit with her schedule.

    She didnt answer any of our calls after she left and was a very upsetting experience as we were so worried about her. I was surprised we misjudged her so much and was surprised her family didn’t encourage her to do the right thing.

    Communication is key with au pairs. I clearly didn’t know her as well as I thought and perhaps as I have had quite a few au pairs I was more relaxed and didn’t make as much effort as I previously had.

    It was a very big lesson.

    • Hi Margot, and thanks for stopping by my blog. Firstly I am glad that most of your au pair experiences were positive. Your recent challenge illustrates what I think is one of the key difficulties with employing an au pair – the dual role you have as host parent/au pair. When our own au pair was behaving dreadfully I still felt a sense of responsibility for her as a host parent. It probably prevented me acting as decisively as I needed to from the outset.

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  10. My daughter was accepted as an au pair in Italy on Sunday. She arrived late, the host mother was at work the next day so real time to meet and discuss duties. Once host mom arrived with her son, she refused to sign a contract. The request for gluten free food was not honores either. She immediately thought if reasons to scream at my daughter, call her names and insisted she leave immediately. No two weeks notice. No time to seek out a new placement. Remember, my daughter had done nothing wrong, received no pay and no contract was signed. She did however, attempt to use the washing machine which enraged this woman (5th drink in hand) and she told her (and eventually me) that this is not her home and she cannot use the washing machine without asking. My daughter spent the evening crying. She still has had nothing to eat. Host mom bought my daughter a bus ticket that evening and proceeded to make love to her “roommate” in the kitchen. My daughter was to catch this bus at 7:45 am (yesterday). She deliberately paid extra for a bus that took an additional five hours to get home (14 hours in total from Florence to Nice). It was raining heavily. My daughter had three bags. Breakfast was refused (so that’s 36 hours without meals), my daughter had to beg for five euros to grab something for the 11 hours drive ahead without meals. She was forced out without a ride to the bus stop – walking in the rain with all her luggage to request directions in the street. My daughter speaks no Italian at all. My daughter did make a complaint to aupair world. No response. This is criminal behaviour. My daughter was abused. All of Sunday and Tuesday wasted on busses. All of Monday wasted in tears. All three days without food. We plan to make a YouTube video to make sure Carla Baldighi of Sesto Fiorentino never takes in another au pair Again. It is unfortunate we can’t sue her. What’s more unfortunate is that Aupair World makes no provisions in matters like this. These girls (and boys) need to be protected.

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