One of life’s most perverse truths is that the stage of life that renders a woman’s privacy non-existent is also the most lonely. Should a mother dare to venture into the shower, pantry or, the holy grail of private dwelling places, the toilet alone her young children will scream their insult to the heavens. The truth of course though is that alone doesn’t necessarily equate with being lonely and lack of privacy doesn’t equate to the connectedness with other adults that most mothers crave.
We need to acknowledge that there is much that our society could do to support mothers of young children better. While the rewards of feminism are yet to be fully reaped (equal pay for example) societally there have been some costs to be paid. My own mother who was ahead of her time professionally in a male dominated field is still practicing full time as a specialist doctor in her seventies. While she loves her grandchildren dearly and they love her, her time is spread thin. As a generation of feminists become grandmothers will we find that societally less traditional grandmother type support to new mothers is occurring?
There are many other contributors to the loneliness of motherhood. Fly in fly out partners, living away from family and friends due to work opportunities, expanding cities that mean even if we have close friends and family in the same town they may leave a ninety minute drive away. Mummy guilt, mummy shaming, unfair comparisons lead many who put themselves out there – at the school gate or playgroups to retreat, unwilling to make themselves vulnerable again if they have felt judged or shamed before.
Society has changed – we are no longer raising our kids in a village, the reality is that many families are raising their kids very much alone. Many, many mother’s are doing it tough living in a fog of loneliness often coupled with loneliness’s cousin sleep-deprivation so it is no surprise that maternal mental health issues are a significant burden on the community.
I love easy answer articles – “let me tell you how not to be lonely”. No such luck here today though. I still struggle sometimes with loneliness – for myself the tyranny of urban commuter distances contributes most to any loneliness I experience. I can tell you what helps me keep loneliness at bay. I have gotten to know my neighbours – we door knock the street giving out Easter eggs at Easter, and inversely requesting candy on Halloween. The result is that if I take the kids for a walk I am greeted by smiling faces and warm hellos. I belong to a faith community that shares a meal once a week. I Facebook stalk groups of like-minded mums just to read posts by women similarly balancing career with kids and breathe deep sighs of relief that my experiences are indeed shared. Some bright spark decided that if apps could bring strangers looking for casual sex together surely an app could bring mothers living in similar areas with like aged children together. The result is Mush and to me, it seems like a brilliant idea.
I’m reticent though to give much advice to lonely mums because I think the responsibility extends much broader. It extends to child-less friends to not give up on friends with kids even if they talk about what little Johnny said last week and it is bloody boring. Your old friend is still there inside the sick sodden, sleep deprived mess they have become folks, just hang in there. It extends to the mummy shaming brigade that patrol the school gates and play groups. The shaming and judging needs to stop. It extends to employers and work places that arrange social catch ups, but never ones that are family friendly. The working mums are automatically excluded. I could go on and on.
Just for now though, I am going to suggest that if you know a mum, particularly a mum of young kids, even if they smile, and look shiny happy, assume that they may be lonely. I’m also going to suggest that you extend, maybe not an offer for deep and lasting friendship, but at least a friendly chat, or perhaps an invitation over for coffee, or maybe just give them your number and let them know they can call you if they need. If they turn you down, or don’t want to talk that’s okay. They might just feel a little bit less lonely because someone tried.
A thoughtful read as usual Danielle. Getting to know neighbours is a great idea, as is connecting with others on facebook groups etc. Are facebook groups the new back fence? A place to go for a friendly chat while still in your house clothes? Yes they’re great. It might be difficult to borrow a cup of sugar from them though lol. I often noticed judgemental attitudes when collecting the kids from school and often shied away from groups of mothers for this reason.
Jan you are such a nice loyal reader. I’m sure someone out there could invent a “cup of sugar” app..Social media gets a heap of flack but for many it is a lifeline.
Hello Danielle, this so resonates with me. I am so far from my family and was often very very lonely when the older boys were young. I had awful PND, but would feel FINE when with my mum pals at playgroup or on social ocasions and then go home and feel decimated and desolate.
When my twins were born, I had a lovely Greek lady in her 50s as a mother’s help and she saved my sanity. She loved the kids and she looked after me and she was good company. No loneliness and good mental health. Live and learn.
Sadly, I don’t think I am a good friend to new mums at all… even that I shy away a bit, if I look deeply within myself….food for thought.
Hi Seana, Thanks for the raw honesty of your comment. I think the difficulty is that mums are carrying a significant burden in isolation so much of the time that many of us have little energy left to support each other. That’s why I think society as a whole needs to look at loneliness in motherhood. A multi-pronged broad approach is needed…